mommyhood.

there is something very special about being a mom.

there is something particularly special about caring for a baby with a little cold. for your baby. for the child you carried inside of you for the better part of a year. that you carried. that only you could care for. and when they come out into this big scary world it is you that they continue to turn back to when they need the nourishment you provided them from minute one.

there is something amazing about being up all night listening to the little sniffles and wiping away tears in the early hours of the morning and knowing that this is what you were put on this planet to do. to be a mommy. to care for you little one.

there is something that no other person can fill in a childs life sometimes. and it is in those unfortunate circumstances that the power of being a mom ignites deep inside of you and throws you into the action of caring not only for the right now for your baby but for the future. because it is up to you to make sure that nothing happens to that little creature that started out just smaller than an olive when it made its bond to you. it is your job to fight for what is best and what is safe for her.

i have never been so proud to be a mom. i have never felt the strength that i feel now in knowing with every part of my soul that each day i am making better and better choices to keep danger from my daughter and to work harder and harder to make this crazy world as safe and serene as she deserves. there will never be a day that someone comes into her life and causes her to feel less than or guilty or shameful for things that she is still too young to even understand. not on my watch. not now. not ever.

i have grown to love my daughter more in these last few days than i thought were even possible. i know now what i have to do and i will fight with everything i have to do that.

i used to say that single moms were my heros but never really understood why. today the mystery has been revealed to me. there are some things you just have to live to see the light through.

and sometimes being single sucks...

i cried today for the first time in a long time.

the thing that no one tells you about love is that when you realize what you once had and get a glimpse of a second chance of that its hard to spend the days waiting for a possible future with that person to begin again. yes - this is about love.
i had someone once and totally screwed it up because i was full of fear. because no one had ever just loved me like that before. and now i am scared, even though all signs point to hope, that i will lose that chance again.

i had someone once and i miss him. dearly. and he is far far away and i only just saw his face two days ago for the first time in years. and i knew when i saw him that it was real. that what we lost might just have been put on a shelf and not completely forgotten.
i was at a bbq today with other families and seeing them with their kids made me so lonely. it made me so single feeling. this once my-kid-is-all-i-need mom is starting to want something more. and it is a certain someone that i miss. and it is a certain someone that i want. and i just cant wait for a chance to make it all right.. and if he isnt right and it isnt right to find that special someone that isnt in the past but in the future and dreaming of someone just like me right now.