i heart being a mom.

so i was at gymboree yesterday withe the little one and i met a mom there that didnt like being a mom. she seemed tired and uninterested in her child. it was sad. it made me realize how lucky i am to have a child that i want to spend every second with.

we have been spending a lot of time playing at the gym lately and i am still not sure which of us is having more fun. ironically a few people in my life seem to think that this lack of free time i have is because i am dating someone.. it makes me laugh on the inside.. how would i ever find time to date anyone when i am so enthralled with this little monster.. there are so many things happening between play time and learning time and cooking homemade baby food i just dont have anymore to give to someone else.. and why would i want to when i have already found the great love of my life....

starting over...

june 26 2011

back when myspace was cool there was a section for you to list your heros - mine stated “single moms”.. i had written that, maybe 7 maybe 10 years ago, with my mom and my old friend christina in mind. i had never thought that one day i would become one of those ‘heros’.

i have a little angel. sometimes i think she is a terror. i have a love for her that i cant put into words. sometimes i want to crawl inside of her little body. sometimes i want her to crawl inside of mine. love doesnt cover it. 

being a single mom is hard. you have fears and struggles just like everyone else. and i think, like everyone else, sometimes you want someone to share those things with. in my case i just want someone to share it with that isn’t limited to hand claps, rasberry tongues slobbers and a simple mamamamama here and there. but i talk to her anyway. she is my best friend.

we have traveled together. we have cried together. we have comforted each other. we have fallen asleep and woken up in strange places but always together. she is the greatest thing i never expected.

but it is hard. today i was doing laundry and i was thinking if other people who thought they had it rough only knew. you put the baby in the stroller, you load the stroller with dirty clothes, you wait on the elevator and finally make it to the laundry room just in time to see you dont have enough money for two loads and its back to the house again. this time you woo the little one with cheerios which end up all over the floor on the way back to the laundry room. the wash only gives you 28 minutes of rest/play time before its back in the stroller for round two - mission laundry into dryer. and then an hour later you make the trek again - only this time the baby doesnt want the stroller or the cheerios so you carry her back to the laundry room and you gather the clothes into the basket and try to carry a load in one arm and a 22 pound squirmy brick in the other just barely making it back to the front door before dropping everything. 

and then its dinner and bath time and a story and a bottle and a rock the baby to sleep. and now its my time. before i follow her to bed. i think i missed a meal or two so its string cheese and some nuts (food stamps dont afford much more than formula and food for the growing munchkin) - but i wouldnt have traded this day or any others for the world.

ironically her father is calling on the phone. i look at it with a sigh. im not sharing these special moments of her life with him. he is not worthy and i dont have the energy. maybe he will just disappear. or maybe he will start obeying the terms of the restraining order. or maybe he will stop delusion-ally thinking he is a part of this life that has been lived without him for this long and as long as i can afford to keep him at bay...legally to start...